It's been a very long time since I sat down and wrote a blog. Truth is, I haven't been writing at all this year. I have my journal and gratitude book by my bed, I have my novel on my computer, I have my blog in the back of my mind, yet I have lacked the ability to put thoughts into words. I've questioned many times why it's so hard to return to something I love so much. I have been judging myself and created a story in my head that there's something wrong with me. Upon reflection of this past year I have learned a very valuable lesson, I need to be more gentle with myself. In accepting the way things are, I feel more alive and free. It also released me from the pressure of thinking I had to be doing something I had no desire of doing. It's okay that I didn't write and it's okay when I decide to start again.
I am a human being. My heart has been broken, my expectations haven't been met, I have been disappointed in myself and others, I have been afraid, I have been angry, I have cried in deep sadness and I have tried to escape the feelings - all at various times in my life. I use to tell myself that I had to get through it, move on, pick up the pieces and keep marching. A very common narrative for me, which I also hear from others, is "It's in the past and you have to let it go." How can I let something go when I have so many feelings about it? I was really hard on myself! I can't imagine saying those words to anyone else going through a tough time. This year, this time around with my emotions, I decided to treat myself like I would treat others, with compassion and kindness. I would show up for myself with a hug, a walk in the park or even a glass of wine. I took myself out to the movies and even baked a pie for no reason. That's what I would do for my family and friends, why would I treat myself so differently? The question I had to reacquaint myself with is, "What do I need?" It became my second nature to consider what everyone else needed first. This is what I have learned.
I need time to feel my emotions. I don't need to hurry this process.
I need time to cry. It's okay for my body to release what I am feeling.
I need time to reflect. Trying to hurry pass the feelings doesn't make it go away any faster.
I need time to nurture myself. I am worthy of love, kindness and gentleness.
I need time for self care. I am investing in my being instead of neglecting it.
I need time to try again. This is building faith in myself and overcoming fear.
I need time to love myself. I walk more slowly, I breathe more deeply, I smile in the mirror and start my day with a positive pep talk.
I need time to forgive. I can choose to heal or choose to hang on to the pain and anger.
I need laughter. I love good jokes and bad jokes. I like the way my body and face feel when I truly giggle or laugh. It reminds me of all the things I have to smile about.
I need quiet. When things calm down around me, I am able to relax more easily.
I need my community. I deeply value my close relationships and am working on letting them know how much they mean to me.
I need fresh air. Spending more time outside helps me clear my head and gives me energy.
Imagine being gentle with yourself, whatever that is for you. Try it today :) In times of fear, pain, sadness, grief, love or joy, you deserve to be taken care of. What do you need?
I look forward to writing more, sharing my thoughts with you and nurturing my creative side.